The Smokey Eye

I think therefore I am

The Vent Lite

Nothing crazy, if I am overwhelmed with some type of emotion that doesnt fit my usual journaling, im just going to throw it up here. The lite version is everything that is for general audiences and does not include my name drops lmao.

1 Year Transition Anniversary - 8/15/2026

I was trying to figure out how to make this event as grand as possible, I wanted to make a new animation, or a big dramatic before and after type video compilation, and maybe I will soon after this, but I have noticed with my recent attempts to do either it devolves into rambling really quickly so Id rather write it for now and come back to the vid ideas later HAHA. I always knew this day would come, it was just a matter of waiting. It feels like yesterday that I finished the work to start my medical transition journey. The changes have come so fast a lot of people in my life are still shocked as to how fast the changes have taken. I have lost friends and family that I held precious in my life. People who suddenly changed their treatment of me for who I ended up becoming. And that has manifested in grief, anger, confusion, and frustration for a life that was not even theirs. And in those moments despite the negativity I receive from all angles of my life, I only hold open arms for them to maybe one day comeback because I still can recognize their love for me in those darker moments. To be honest, it makes me that much more appreciative of those who have stuck around, and still learned to adjust to the me I was always hiding. Even my last conversation with the Dean this summer, she admitted that 'parang biglaan din para sa kanya' about the speed haha. In a way it scares me too. Not in a horrific way, but realizing that this potential was innate to me this entire time, yet I grew up in the wrong environments to foster my true self. It frightens me to confront all the times I thought I was receiving love and acceptance only to discover it was a mask the entire time. Imagine your parents, family members, and even friends saying 'I love you unconditionally', yet the moment you do not choose the life they thought up for you they withdraw that love. I think 'how can people not understand my struggles' or 'how can people be so heartless or mean', but then I realize the majority of people never had to even think twice about issues like this. And because of that, I handle a lot of these revelations, these fears, anxieties, trauma, all on my own. Transition was about feeling comfortable in my own skin. But somewhere along the line, it also became a journey towards the truth. What it means to be a woman, what it means to be a man, what is happiness and what is the meaning of anything of this. Its a spiritual experience truly. I think it has helped me dramatically grow as a philosopher and realizing the way the world truly operates, the biases that people may unnecessarily hold, what institutions control their lives. And a lot of times I see miserable people playing performances that somebody else told them to play. I think trans people make some people mad because in this state, despite the torment I receive just walking into school, or taking verbal abuse and microaggressions from folks that know I cannot punch them in that moment; I can still say I am free. I maybe bound by academics or physical location, but I do not live for the expectations of my family. I do not tie my worth to my father's approval. I dont tie my worth to my mother's image of my future. I dont tie my worth to a dogmatic devotion to God. I dont live to appease friend groups or change myself or my values to fit into places that I dont belong. And I sure as hell dont live to appease corrupt education institutions! In my interpersonal life, I have no strings attached dictating who I should be or who I need to become. I decided that for me. I decided to leave abuse and go back to dental school, I decided to get myself out of homelessness and exercise humility, I decided to not fall into drugs or alcohol as an easy way out of my feelings, I decided I wasn't going to let my depression or anxiety hold me back. I chose this song because its the song [Anthems for a Seventeen Year-old Girl] that gave me courage all throughout my darkest parts of my transition. When I would be too scared to go to school for being made fun of, or scared of the guards who would stare at my chest with malice looks, or stand up to authority to just keep my hair, this song was always in my headphones. I could shut my eyes and maybe for a sec the world wasn't so bad and that at the end of the day I would get through it. And i did. My journey is only one year in and I still have a long way to go. But I am finally happy I can look in the mirror, take a picture of myself without the performance or the mask, smile and say 'I love you' to myself. Back to Top